03 July 2008
Durog.
I need to be next to you..
This is the song I want to sing to my God. Hear me, Lord!
You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?
-PSALM 56:8
Are they not?
Have You not seen? Have You not heard?
How long will You let my heart take the pain?
How long do You think my body can endure?
But You created this body.
You have seen how I have become frail.
You know all my troubles.
You know every single detail about me.
My soul is not hidden from You.
My spirit is a gift from You.
My life I owe to You
And You hold my future in Your hands.
You trust me.
But how can I not trust myself?
With a nurse's eye, I see damnation coming.
But with the eyes of faith I see hope.
Renew my strength, O God;
All day long I wait for You.
I wait for the God of my salvation;
I wait patiently, LORD.
Save me from my troubles.
Do You still believe I can endure this much?
Do You see me living yet another day?
I know I can trust You. I always will.
For Your sake I will live today,
I will live a life for You.
And for Your sake
I surrender these pain and sorrow.
-AFA-
Music:
Leigh Nash - I Need to be Next to You
Leann Rhime - I Need You
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25 June 2008
Kokoro no Uta
I WILL LIFT MY EYES
Written by Bebo Norman and Jason Ingram
God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt
*Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
**I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me
*
**
‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now
I have no one to run to but God alone. And there's nothing left but seek His love and comfort. This song speaks so much of what I am going through..
Now playing:
I Will Lift My Eyes
Winter Sleep
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21 June 2008
Corazon..
I've been reading my private blog's posts. There was only one effect: It moved me to tears.
I want to write about something. But I don't know what. My body is aching enough to ask my brain think of something to write. I am tired. Whatever that means. I am really tired.
Father in heaven, You know what I am going through. You know how tired I have been. But I will still hold on to You. I will not let go of You, my only source of strength.. my only hope.
I was watching My Girl last night in ABS-CBN. Some things and memories were coming back. Most of all, it reminded me of a very important lesson I have learned from the original My Girl drama.
Music:
Hillsong - Lead Me to the Cross
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23 May 2008
H is for Himitsu
It remains a secret no one knows. And no one will ever know unless one of us spills the beans. Or if God decides to unfold it.
If someone else will find out, I will be fine. I will be fine. And I pray the same goes with you.
music:
Hillsong United - All I Need is You
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09 May 2008
The Cape of Storms
I hate this furk-bloody pain!!
I bloody know it's emotional pain because I know the source. Bloody! But HADES, I can't feel it. I cannot feel emotional pain. Or maybe I have already forgotten how to feel one. I do have physical complains though. It sucks. Yes, I feel physical pain because I can handle it better than emotional pain. CRAAAAP!!
Listening to some songs I used to ignore are making some sense to me. What's the deal with pain, men? Duh! As if I don't know the answer. It's an alarm telling us, "Hey, something's wrong here!" *raises hands*
So where do I sail?
A ship losing control
My cries swallowed up, lost in the ranging sea
So where has love gone?
Will I ever reach it?
The Cape of Storms echoes the pain I feel inside
Hades. I can feel a "storm" inside and I am losing control. And when I said "inside" I wasn't talking emotional. It's still physical. It's like a turbulence. I hate it! Can't I just know and acknowledge that I am hurt and skip the physical discomforts?
If I am to connect my "MetaHuman-ess as Storm" blame me not for the up-coming storm in PAR. XD And yester night's rain was also out of my conscious control. Maybe I was bursting. Haha!
I want to get over this.
Music:
SHE - Sweet and Sour
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03 May 2008
Yume
My blogsite about dreams is still causing me headache. Posting has been disabled. Hades. I guess I'll just have to write here for the mean time. -_-
April 2008: fourth week
I saw my friends' dad in my dream. He was with some boys whom I don't know. Someone was taking pictures of them. And I don't know who the photographer was. I didn't even see him or her. I just saw my friends' dad and two boys posing. They look like his nephews. That's just a thought though.
26 April 2008
I was in HotL having a nap. It was an afternoon nap with some of my friends. When I woke up, I just realized that I had a dream dream. Haha! I somehow wanted that dream. Ok, I want that dream. But please let no one shoot me, especially God. (._. )
I stayed sitting still before I got up because I was still thinking of dream. I was somehow happy to have that dream. And a part of me wanted it to happen. But that would be most unlikely to happen especially with what I found out the day after. It hurt me, I know. There were signs and symptoms and I just couldn't ignore them because I am in Nursing . I am still capable of seeing things objectively.
That dream.. My favourite ivh heaven hell gave me. And I had what I've always wanted to give this recipient in that dream. A dream I had in a dream. It was all a dream.
I can't have that dream. Perhaps never. Yes, never. Because I told God I won't ask for "it" and I will be keeping my word though it hurts.
now playing:
Cathy Leung - Chasing You
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29 April 2008
I want to see YOU face to face..
I sometimes want to see God (face to face) and ask Him some personal questions. I want to know what He wants me to learn. I want to know how to let go of some things in life. I know I told God that I won't ask of Him a particular thing. I gave it up weeks ago. It still hurts. It'd be a lie if I say it doesn't hurt. I may not feel the pain in my heart, but it hurts somewhere else. I am fine with that. Heart-san has been hurt a lot and I don't want him to take any more pain. It's not healthy for him.
I've always wanted to have something to make me forget it. But it's not easy. I even sometimes feel that something's getting stronger. Too bad, I can't express enough so I have to show it somewhere else. I am actually trying to think of a proper term for it. It is either sublimation or displacement without the negative attribute.
There's a movie that I want to watch because I'm intrigued with the plot. I hope I can watch it. But more than that, I really want to get over some things I am having a hard time forgetting. Losh. I know I am a forgetful person, but there are just some things that I could hardly forget no matter what I do.
Father in heaven, if it is Your will, I want to see Core soon. If it pleases You, please allow me to have Core. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
now playing:
Rebecca St. James - Desperate for You
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27 April 2008
Emotional pain sometimes manifests through physical pain.
Shugudeng! Shugudeng! Shugudeng, shugudeng, shugudeng!!
I intended to write about the dream I had yester noon. But something happened. I think I am exercising self-actualization because I can see myself objectively. Haha! The recent situation reminds me of what Dr. James Wilson said to Dr. House. Oh my gulay! I am having difficulty of breathing. No tachy nor dyspnea, but a little DOB. It feels like my trachea is having a little spasm.
Boom! I'm on hyperventilation. Am I having repistaory acidosis? I'm confused. x_x
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18 April 2008
The day I saw it coming..
I'll always remember it was late afternoon.
It lasted forever and ended so soon...
I'll always remember when I saw it coming three hundred and sixty-six days ago..
` ` `
Thank you for coming.
Thank you for leaving.
` ` `
I wanted to hold you
I wanted to make it go away
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything, all right....
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03 April 2008
Unspoken Promise
I was reading Princess Ai when I got reminded of an unspoken promise. I was trying to figure out what exactly I made as a promise for someone. Because if what I think was my unspoken promise then there will be conflict with my plans. More than that, I want to keep my unspoken promise. But can I really keep it? How far can I take?
"Hindi nga naman nakakatuwang malaman na iniiwasan ka ng kaibigan mo."
-AFA
Now playing:
Ayashi no Ceres - Iwao Junko - Sukaretto
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02 April 2008
Suppression
Oh my Gackt, I am hurt!
I bloody hate it. I'm having pain on my posterior left shoulder near the scapulae. Crap. I am not thinking of a radiating pain. The crap is something else. For heaven's sake, how am I supposed to express the pain? How am I supposed to understand this pain?
Of all the posts I have in this blog, this entry is the most honest when it comes to my soul. But it sucks because I could hardly understand myself. Or maybe I just refuse to admit some things.
I am supressing. How I wish to have my own Yasu. I can't shed any tears. I can't express emotions. They're all locked inside. I hate it. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to feel down. Maybe I have programmed myself enough into that so it's subconsciously expressed this way-unable to express what I feel.
In the end, it is I who suffer.
How am I supposed to carry this burden? Ask my friends for help? It's none of their business. I have told Kei enough of my troubles and I don't want to bother him again. It's enough.
I guess I just have to take this misery of being unable to express what I feel.
I am alone and it is better that way. Greater expectations, greater disappointments.
This blog can be viewed by everyone. But I know no one pays attention to this that's why I don't mind posting this situation of mine here. No one from my family or friends read this so it's okay to post.
I am going to hide in plain sight, like what I always do.
Now playing:
Ryo Sakai - Heavens and Earth
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25 March 2008
Runaway
Whenever "runaway" is mentioned, there is always one thing that comes into my mind. I can always associate it with myself. I was on runaway months ago, and it seems like I'm going to do it again. I think I should release or open all the gates of my chakra.
Before was hypothalamus over cerebrum. But now it's cerebrum over hypothalamus. I'm getting lost. I know I made an unspoken promise. I wonder if I will be able to make it even if I "runaway" from here.
PARADOX
~AFA
The paradox of myself
The longing yet escape
The desire yet the denial
Love and hate in harmony
It is a lie though
But it is also the truth
So which is true?
What conclusion do I have?
So much waiting
So much longing
More denial
More escape
Running away yet never moving
Moving forward while looking back
To hold on yet to let go
To smile yet grieve
I hope but I fear
I have faith but I doubt
Love has become blurry
Uncertainties cloud the heart
Until when can the chamber take?
Until when can it give without pain?
Until when will it live?
Will metamorphosis take place?
Hiding in plain sight
Showing with all silence
Speaking without voice
Watching from afar
What can make mind believe?
What can capture the soul?
What can make heart yield?
What can hold the body?
The desire and longing
The waiting and patience
The giving and generosity
The love and affection
The yin and yang of life
The joy and pain of soul
The life and death of spirit
The strength and weakness of body
Life is a journey
Soul is always on a voyage
Some things have to be simple
Let go of all the complex thoughts
LSS:
Utada Hikaru - Simple and Clean
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20 March 2008
Beer
I am wondering if my recent confusions or concerns will lead me to another lost heart and mind. It happened to me last year and I just got out of it. Things are just not that so okay, but I'll make them fine. I have to.
My latest chatmate was a churchmate whom I haven't talked to since I have known him. And our chat was the first conversation we ever had. Funny eh? It was fun. The conversation was fun as well as the thought that I was able to make and keep a conversation. It was also funny how he thought of some things. ^_~ Nothing malicious here. It was just funny that he thought of that.
Speaking of that, I am now longing to find Ren. *role plays Nana* I'm not sure if I am ready or what. All I know is that I need so much patience, as of now. I have to endure some things.
I now feel like drinking. I usually drink alone but I think I found someone whom I can ask to join me if I want some drink. There's already someone, a friend, in my list but I guess I can add a new name to the list. =D
Now playing:
Joe Satriani - Always With Me Always With You
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18 March 2008
Ren
I am not sure what to write here, should it be about school or other stuff?
We had a meeting earlier in school. It was actually a meeting with the parents, but some parents were not able to come including mine so most of the students attended it. The meeting was about the up-coming review, board exam, graduation and such.
I don't want to talk about school now. -_-
I am currently listening to Anna Tsuchiya's Kuroi Namida. Oh my Gackt! The nostalgia!! I miss 707. I miss my NANA fandom, teh soundtracks, my Nana-like hair, my Nana-ish attitude and even my own Ren. This Ren idea is about patience. I thought my patience was good enough. It was. Some things were just not in favour of me. In a sense they were. Can't cry over spillied milk, right?
Speaking of Ren, I want my own Ren. He doesn't have to be a bassist, but if he is it'd be nice and cool. Two years of waiting. Two years of longing. So much patience.. long distance.. but nothing has changed. The passion remained and it was even more fervent.
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12 March 2008
Alone but Never Alone in a Winter Sleep
I don't know when this all started. What started? As being so me, I am not telling of course. And that is defying the need for verbalization.
Oh well, it's been like this for ages. I hope some things change, for the good. But change has to be internal. I feel like singing
Alone (Shimokawa Mikuni),
Never Alone (Barlow Girl) and
Winter Sleep (OLIVIA). These songs radiate what I feel right now.
The title of this entry is funny. *lol*
kono te wo koboreochiru
suna no you na kanjou
ano toki mune ni sasatta
kotoba ga fui ni uzuku kedo
hatenai yoru wo kazoe nagara
jibun no kakera sagashite-ita
ushinau hodo ni kono omoi ga
tashika ni natte'ku
ima nara kitto aruite yukeru
doko made mo
One must fight for his freedom.
-L. Miranda
It keeps coming back to me
I remember this pain
It spreads across my eyes
Everything is dull
. . .
Will you hold me now...? Hold me now, My frozen heart
I'm gazing from the distance and
I feel everything pass through me
I can't be alone right now
Will you hold me now...? Hold me now, My frozen heart
I'm lost in a deep winter sleep
I can't seem to find my way out alone
Can you wake me?
. . .
I'm tired of being strong.
-Lucilla, The Gladiator
I pray to find you, hope to be found by you,
and rest in eternal embosom.
-L. Miranda
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10 March 2008
3 Years
Tomorrow will mark the 3rd anniversary of this blog. For years, this blog has been so dear to me. It is where I post my inner
crypted thoughts and random stuff. This blog has been like a best friend. I tell her many things. I tell her my joy and my pain. I tell her anything.
Read between the lines. I know I have posted here my deep emotions, but I try, as much as possible, to keep them lighter. There is no need to feel the dakness of my soul. I hope no one will take me wrong for that. It sounds so dark and dark. Haha!
PARASUI. This blog has been inspired by its name. I omitted the other letters though. Everyone has secrets. It's fun though. I hope I'd be able to keep this blog as long as I can, and as long as the server allows me to.
now playing:
ANNA inspi' NANA [BLACKSTONES] - Rose
ANNA inspi' NANA [BLACKSTONES] - Kuroi Namida
Iwao Junko - Scarlet
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08 March 2008
Creative Writing
I got this questions from my favourite WHR fanfic author,
Misora.
SEVEN QUESTIONS: fill in the blanks, be creative. ♥
1. What do you think of ________________?
2. When did you last ____________?
3. __________ or ___________ and why?
4. What did you ______________?
5. What's your favourite ______________?
6. How would you ______________?
7. Who would you most like to _____________?
I'm gonna answer that through the comment section. Dang, there are so much to do, by will or must. Tsk, tsk.. Chinese proverbs are bombarding my brain yet teh body remains as stubborn as the owner.
I was thinking of writing what I have in my mind. I was checking some stuff in the net, fanfiction stuff and the like. Then I remembered Manga. Oh, I so want to read manga. I only have two manga, Hands Off and Princess Ai. Both are volume 1. Manga costs a lot and I can't afford to shell out just for one volume. I was able to buy both manga on discount, 75% off. Cool, ne.
Stories, graphic novels, fanfiction and anything of the like interest me. Just so fascinating.
now playing:
Don Moen - Lead Me Through the Night
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06 March 2008
Post-Happiness
I think I have to use this blog today as how I intended it to be used for. But it's been a long time since I consistently used this for such purpose.
My previous entry longed for a hope. It was written with the desire to stay happy. But life is not all about happiness. No matter how happy someone gets, sadness will come. It may not stay for long nor get through too much but it will be there. Despite the optimism I project, there's still the feeling of missing something. I believe I know what I want; I just couldn't dare to get it for myself. To do so is to be selfish. Besides, I am still protecting-.
I had a chat with my SERG brothers yesterday. They shared some of their privy lives and I felt like being left behind. Not so left behind, and it's not a feeling of being abandoned. I just felt like I really miss something.
Life becomes better when we know how to endure. I've endured enough and I'll just have to keep in doing so. I have to walk in faith and love. Because love casts out fears.
I am not building high walls right now. My walls remain as high as they were. But I hope nothing will dare get through it and try to hurt me. I don't want to get hurt nor hurt other people. A part of me is all or nothing now. I'd rather have nothing than get hurt. I have endured enough and I am recovering.
LSS:
Emmy Rossum - Slow Me Down
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04 March 2008
Stay Happy
I want to be happy. And I want to stay happy. I like it when someone makes me smile and/or laugh. I like it when someone makes me feel good. Even so, I hate it when someone takes away my smile, my happiness.
In spite of life's trouble, I try to be happy. We must try to be happy. We owe that to ourselves.
Now playing:
Shimokawa Mikuni - Alone
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27 February 2008
Physical Health
I started making plans for my body last Monday, which was also a holiday commemorating the first EDSA Revolution. What a day to start something new.
I want to improve myself and I have to do it the holistic way. I have three main objectives in this exercise plan I made:
1. Strengthen cardiopulmonary system
2. Build muscles and gain weight
3. Maintain a good level of endorphin in my body
I may just be writing some of my physical goals here, but I also have goals for my mental, emotional, spiritual and social health.
My heart and lungs were not as strong as they were before. My heart had also gone through an emotional stress during the past months. As for lungs, they were getting weak. So I decided to focus on cardiopulmonary exercise. Simple brisk walks and jogging will do. I have just started.
It has been my dilemma, for months, how to gain weight. No matter how much I eat, it's not enough. So I thought that there must be something missing. I eat a lot of CHO but I consume them easily so I wonder what if I focus on increased CHON consumption in my diet. But of course, I did not dismiss the importance of building muscles. I thought if I build muscles I might increase my body density, increasing body mass.
A lot of people think of ways how to lose weight. I do otherwise. I only weigh a hundred pounds and my height is 158 cm. That gives me a BMI of 18.2, which is categorized as underweight. O_O 0.3 more and I'll be in normal range. That's enough for me.
A lot say it's okay as long as I stay healthy. Yeah, yeah. Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity. I no longer get easily sick lately, unlike last year. But I know that I am going to go through a demanding job. I need to stay physically and mentally fit in order to provide the necessary care for my patients-to-be. Of course, I also have to stay emotionally healthy or stable.
I've been also making it a goal to donate blood. The only hindrance is my weight. This goal is personal and altruistic. Personal because when time will come that I'll be in need of blood, I want to have BT from my own. As much as possible, I don't want to look for other people for this need. The risks of blood transfusion are just grave.
I also need to maintain a good level of endorphin in my body. This way, I can fight stress without being stressed. I actually made it a goal to stay as happy as I can. I want to be happy and stay one. I like to smile and laugh. I like to appreciate little things around me. I don't want to be so complicated when it comes to happiness. Besides, it's healthy to be happy.
Now playing:
Chihiro Onitsuka - Sugar High [album]
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17 February 2008
Literal Young Friends
I had fun talking with my boys, I mean my students in SS, today. I got to know them more so I don't see them as just SS pupils. As their teacher, it is important for me. I get to know what I should ask to the Father. I get to know how to deal with them. And I was able to have new friends. It's just so nice.
Speaking of friends, when I was in my high school days I used to have friends who were older than me. But when I got into college, most of my friends are younger than me. And as years pass by, they are getting younger. XD
Now playing:
Emmy Rossum - Inside Out [album]
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15 February 2008
Juno
I am watching
Juno right now and I am actually adopting the way she speaks. I'm not trying; it's just that I can do that 'style' or whatever you may call it. But I'm not here to post on what Juno and me have in common with regrds to speech. That's a waste of time, man.
The movie, which I haven't finished, drives me nuts whenever Juno goes to Mark and Vanessa's house especially when Vanessa's out. Man, Mark is married. That's scary. You may not understand this "scary" thing I am talking about, but it's still inappropriate. Like what Brenda said, there are boundaries. You can't just visit a married man who is alone in his house. Unless you're the husband's mother or sister or cousin, yeah sure. Go and visit him.
I just logged in to state that. And because I feel like talking, but I have no one to talk to. My phone is inside the room and I am unloaded. I don't feel like talking to the usual people. I want to try something new. I want to go out and experience something I have not before. Wou, this is getting nowhere. I have to log out now.
By the way, I have to get out tonight because.. Well I did mess up. I need not to write every detail.
Music:
Anna Tsuchiya inspi' NANA - Rose
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12 February 2008
Keep Distance
My previous journal entry seemed bitter. I just wanted space. I just wanted to be alone. I needed time to cope. I needed time to think. But I still wish the same. XD
I am leaving everything to God. Philippians 4:6-7. ^__^
Music:
Cocco - Polomeria
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08 February 2008
Wishin' goodbyes are forever.
Please
Stay away.
Don't get near me.
Do not talk to me.
Don't remind me that you're my friend.
Please don't let your presence be made known.
... at least for now..
... as long as I can..
Music:
The Corrs - Only Love Can Break Your Heart
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05 February 2008
Please..
Stop running away.
Music:
Incubus - Wish You Were Here
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25 January 2008
Give me an offer I can never refuse.
I am not sure what to write here. Seriously. But I want to write something about me. Should I write about what I've just been through, which is related to what I was going through? It's been 40 weeks already. Sounds like AOG (Age of Gestation). Or should I share my thoughts about what Millicent and me talked about last Monday? We were in Seattle's Best in Bonifacio High Street.
I don't mind sharing. I guess.
We talked about her relationship, teh romantic one. I am in no position to disclose, even a single information, without her consent so I'll just focus on me.
Millicent told me something she thought I still don't experience. I actually wanted to tell her, "If you only knew." But I just smiled. My pride got in the way, and it remains intact. And I guess I had so much of it that I had to protect-.
It's okay for me to come out soon. But I know my pride will still be there to interfere so one must give me an offer I can never refuse. For the past forty weeks, I have never lost a reason to refuse. And it seems like everything is over.
40 weeks of mental illness seems over. I can dream again. I need not to runaway again. But I still have to wait and see. Just like Lady Guinevere, my will is stronger...
Music:
Silent Sanctuary - Fuchiang Pag-ibig [album]
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15 January 2008
Guilty
Guity as charged!
I was reading one of my friend's comments in Friendster. I've already read such message before but I still find it funny, especially when I read the last part. I laughed because I was guilty. XD
Btw, that pic on the right is not the message I was talking about. XD
Music:
Aqualung - Left Behind
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02 January 2008
Alpha
I think this first entry will be just about rants. Oh my!
The last day of the past year was not so good. Okay, it was not really good. On that day, I had the third God-and-me-knows-what since the day I left for Gen. Santos City. Three "things" with the same reason. It sucks. Really.
Change is important. But one must change for the good.
DWELL IN THE PAST, YOU LOSE ONE EYE;
FORGET THE PAST, YOU LOSE BOTH EYES.
-Russian Proverb
-=-=-
We spent our new year's eve in Antipolo. And I stayed there for two more bloody days. It was bloody boring. I so wanted to watch movies. I think it's becoming a habit of mine to watch movies during new year's eve.
-=-=-
I still haven't changed my Multiply's layout. Bloody. -_-
Music:
Marie Digby - (Incubus) Love Hurts
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31 December 2007
Last Entry: 2007 Life Highlights
2007
JANUARY
- Had duty in National Centre for Mental Health (02-05)
~strength, knowledge and wisdom (Prov. 3:6)
- NOD in James L. Gordon Memorial Hospital - Delivery Room, Olongapo City. Graveyard shift.
~strength, knowledge and wisdom (Prov. 3:6)
~strengthened friendship with groupmates, especially with Manic
- I found myself getting more addicted to House, M.D.
- Acknowledged the presence of Denial.
- Ended the month with movie marathon.
FEBRUARY
- Departmental exam in MSN2 and MCN2
- Another duty in JLGMH (05-09). It was in NICU this time. Graveyard shift.
~provision, as always
- Got inspired by Dr. House.
- Finished reading Jude Deveraux' Forever...
MARCH
- Was still a fan of LJK.
- Lunch no Joou ish lurve. =3
- NANA fandomnesh.
- First rotation in OsMak - OR.
~had 2 major cases and 1 minor case
- 14th: Got inspired to become a "mananahi" XD
- NOD in ER
- 21st: quick answered prayer; "If it is good for-"
- Was able to talk with-
- Oklahoma Reservoir hang-over
- NOD in DR then NICU
APRIL
- Learned where Aurora Blvd. is. XD
- Got bugged by Thiamine.
- Watched Death Note eps 1-24.
- Found out I'm an aunt. My cousin had a son.
- Had an awesome YF Camp.
- Delivered from repressed bitterness
~talked to subject after teh camp
- Message received when Ptr. Lucie was praying/laying her hands on me: "Do not resist the Holy Spirit."
- Another message: God wanted to reveal Himself to me.
- VBS Week and Instrumentation Training Days
~built better fellowship with the YF
~Bansa (Country Style) days
~BFC days
- Watched Stomp the Yard with YFs.
- Missed the family vacation in Cebu. But followed them in Davao.
Album1
Album2
Album3
MAY
- Became teh 7th member of SEVEN Pilipinas. =3
- Candy passed away. =(
- The first D of DABDA began.
- Then A followed.
- Did appreciate Spiderman 3.
- Made plans for the NANA Day.
- Read Betty Neels' Visiting Consultant.
- YFJC Thanksgiving Day
~overnight in I-forgot-where
~slept on a bloody hard chair o_o
JUNE
- Got a Panasonic LUMIX digicam! ^_^
- Posted an entry in LJ: "Hope it's simple and clean.."
- Bye, bye Thiamine.
- 12th: Independence Day
- Videoshoot for teh Father's Day
- Messaged.
- Got upset to a friend. But he didn't know.
- Got physically weak. Sicko days.
- Verdemon attack
- Wanted: Morphine
- ToyCon
- Erised for the unncessary load to be killed.
- Went to National Library.
- Eiga Sai days: free Jap movies
- CON 2007 Acquaintance Party
- Turning point
- The supposed to be Comforter became the Comforted. Thanks, Kei!
JULY
- Posted a journal entry thanking someone. But he doesn't know it. -_-
- International NANA Day - Philippines
- New Worlds Transform, PowerPlant
- Still under verdemon attack.
- Realization: Mission Failed.
- Not simple and clean.
- Wanted to Bargain.
- Close confession.
- Journal entry: Everybody lies.
- Made new plans for the failed mission.
- NOD: OR
- NOD: ICU
- NOD - DR
- Confirmation
- Ate Faye's BDay surprise
- Hint
- Don Moen's Thank You, Lord concert
- Message: "You don't have to make any decisions. Leave everything to Me."
- Message: "Make solutions."
- Had MOCF. *hand gesture* =3
- Had Avocado Salad.
- Made an account in DA.
AUGUST
- Toxic with school. Teh NRes! x_x
- Had a chat with Sir Jake.
- Fear and Guilt...
- Watched The Bourne Ultimatum in SM Mega.
- NOD: NICU
- YAC - Day Away
~got a vision
~God couldn't get enough to bless moi.
~stopped to be comforted
- Wanted to have 'my way' and end something.
- Remembered the day when I saw it coming.
- Gyann's BDay surprise
- Napagalitan ng kaibigan. <3
- Watched T4T and other bands performed during AMA CC-P's Banda ng Taon.
- Got upset with a friend.
- GB+
- Got lots of message from teh Father, e.g. Surrender.
~DABDA re-surfacing. -_-
- Watched Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love and made a reaction
- Tried to say goodbye.
SEPTEMBER
- Switchfoot live in Manila. Kewlnesh!
- Univ. of Makati - CON - Nurse's Week
~Variety Show
~Mr. and Ms. Nursing
- Doubts and Fears
- Keep the faith.
- Willing to go through DABDA. O_o
- Songs..
- YF College Fellowship in Shanrgr-La
- NOD: ICU
- Vienna's BDay treat in Market! Market! and Kenny Roger's
- YAC Graduation
- Was made witness of God's faithfulness. =3
- Delivered a gift to a friend.
OCTOBER
- NOD in San Lazaro Hospital
- Rachel's message: Pray, surrender thoughts to God. Dwell on happy things. Be with friends. Eat ice cream!!
- Started drinking coffee.
- Finals in Contemporary Nursing
- Erised: runaway
- Wanted more vicodin.
- PowerStation Day with B1, B2 and Arck.
- Played GF with Bewan.
- GC outing in Batangas
- "Ranaway"
- Uncontrolled erised.
- CIP Orientation
- GCP -_-
- Days of lamentation.
- First week of CIP in Pateros
- Pray for the peace of Jerusalem
- Taht song..
- Angina days..
NOVEMBER
- Someone got hurt because I was mean. He was just not used with how I speak.
- SERG reunion
- Ate Khariz' mini-despedida party
- November Rain
- Irony of ironies..
- Watched The Last Samurai
- Poetic month
~With all honesty, I lied.
- Days of metabolic alkalosis. Oral replacement was enough. xp
- AC Grad in Maricaban, Pasay
- Read Max Lucado's When God Whispers Your Name
- Read Tom Hagee's Final Dawn Over Jerusalem
17/18 Nov.
- Nakisali sa DT/BS with Ate Faye
- Ptr. Lucie's BDay
- Practice for the December Affair
- 3rd and 4th week of CIP in Pateros
- Pyra and me during teh Makati RTC walk-out and Manila Peninsula seige day
DECEMBER
02 Dec. 2007
- FJC December Affair
album1
album2
- DA aftermath in Bonifacio High Street
- Saw Christine Bersola-Babao outside Fully Booked
- Saw Christine Jacob in StarBucks/Fully Booked
- Met and had pic with Julius Babao in Fully Booked
- Saw Jestoni Alarcon in TimeZone
- Photographer in Antipolo
- BS in Hot Loops, Shangri-La
- Andoru's Beerdei
- Papi trip in Bonifacio High Street 2
- Visited Lawrence's place
- Teh Banana visit and Puppy photoshoot
- Last meeting attended in Cluster B's Core Meeting
- Got a gift from Beto. =3
- NOD in Gen. Santos City
- Was visited by our college dean. Saw her while I was gloving. First thought, "Maayos ba buhok ko?" xp
- Had overnight stay in Davao City
- Dreamt of Jamie (twice) while in Gen. Santos City
- God knows what.
- God knows when.
- 8 months
Music:
Don Moen - Hiding Place
Don Moen - He Never Sleeps
Hillsong - From the Inside Out
04:43 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
30 December 2007
1st- ?? ; 2nd- 26th
The year is almost over. Wow! Another 364 days have passed.
A lot have happened. But I'm not going to post about the year 2007. That's one long year. It was. Oh well, I'm just here to verbalize. Wushoo! Yeah, verbalize about the past two weeks of stay in Gen. Santos. And it has nothing to do with my hospital duty. Just one thing. Just one thing, which God alone knows.
As far as I can remember, I showed it twice. Yet no one saw it but God. Just Him. It all started like partum days. I'm not sure.
And there were my dreams. I really want to have the gift of interpretation of dreams. Oh well, seems like I have to remember everything God told me..
Music:
OLIVIA inspi' REIRA - Winter Sleep
It keeps coming back to me..
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05 December 2007
02 December 2007
This will be a short entry. It should be. =p
I just want to talk something about what happened last Sunday, which was our December Affair. It was fun and nice. The presentations and the whole event was really nice. But my favourite was the fellowship I had with some of my friends. We went to Bonifacio High Street, ordered in StarBucks, roamed around Fully Booked, took pictures with TV personality Julius Babao, played and had videoke in TimeZone.
Actually, I still have a hangover of that day (talking about the fellowship). I miss it already. And I now have many things to reckon.
Overall, it was fun. =3
Music:
Barlow Girl - Never Alone
Javi Velasquez - Imagine Me Without You
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26 November 2007
Irony
1 How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful!
Your eyes behind your veil are doves.
Your hair is like a flock of goats
descending from Mount Gilead.
~SONG OF SONGS 3:1
MOONLIGHT
I want you to see me
But I don't want you to know.
My thoughts are beyond reason
My intentions are greater than desire.
I hide my smile
I conceal my joy.
My own clouds shroud my heart
'Cause when revealed gates of hell open.
Until when will the moon hide?
Until when will the clouds stay?
When day breaks, you see nothing
When night envelops, I am but a faint.
Music:
Mika Nakashima - Glamorous Sky
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22 November 2007
With all honesty, I lied.
1 The LORD abhors dishonest scales,
but accurate weights are his delight.
2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace,
but with humility comes wisdom.
-PROVERBS 11:1-2
How can I hide my heart without lying?
How can I face you with all honesty when I am wearing a mask?
Will you still believe everything I said when I have been trying to lie to myself?
Will you still stay as my friend inspite of this weakness you know yet you do not know?
How long will we stay this way?
What lies ahead is nothing but a glimpse.
What happened was yet to be burried.
And today is in the making.
Nothing is certain.
Yet I am sure of my heart.
But it is me I cannot trust.
My soul is torn within.
There is a battle inside.
Questions are always asked.
The truth always hurts.
But the truth sets free.
Music:
Hillsong - Mighty to Save
08:50 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
26 October 2007
encouragement
The grief is yet to come. But sorrow is already coming into surface consuming whatever it sees weak in me. There is none left to do but be strong. Like what a friend sent me, you have to be your own hero. I have no one to call and seek for help and comfort. There is no other JenShinrai.
Promises are made, but are also forgotten. Everything becomes vain. Some people are taken like a fad and some are treated like a toy. Great expectations, great disappointments. The troublesome of people.
All that is left of me is to be thankful for having JenShinrai. The strength she shows despite the weaknesses admire me in some ways. Her hope and faith always amaze me. Her wisdom to foresee things are commendable. But I do know she needs more introspection. She has to seek the Lord more and more because I also fail to be there for her. At times, I become the trouble of her heart.
Life has full of surprises as well as paradox. There are people torn within themselves. All that is left is to keep the faith. If she will insist what she has planned, she might lose a good friendship. Her troublesome, always running away.
A friend said she has a big heart. Perhaps it is true. Her patience and kindness inspite of the flowery words spoken pierceth yet she stands firm to show love. Her skeptic attitude saves her. Cerebrum over hypothalamus.
She is so troublesome. Will she be able to have her mind back? Heart is not a problem to her. It is so delicate and she does not want to trouble it. But she actually does. Mind is ever protective. Even though taken into captivity, mind tries to keep the responsibility for heart. I wonder how long will it take. I wonder what will happen when she is free to give and take. If only I can be there for her, if only I can give what she deserves. If only.
-Justice leaves Finland
*sigh*
music:
Barbie's Cradle - Goodnyt
07:15 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
encouragement
The grief is yet to come. But sorrow is already coming into surface consuming whatever it sees weak in me. There is none left to do but be strong. Like what a friend sent me, you have to be your own hero. I have no one to call and seek for help and comfort. There is no other JenShinrai.
Promises are made, but are also forgotten. Everything becomes vain. Some people are taken like a fad and some are treated like a toy. Great expectations, great disappointments. The troublesome of people.
All that is left of me is to be thankful for having JenShinrai. The strength she shows despite the weaknesses admire me in some ways. Her hope and faith always amaze me. Her wisdom to foresee things are commendable. But I do know she needs more introspection. She has to seek the Lord more and more because I also fail to be there for her. At times, I become the trouble of her heart.
Life has full of surprises as well as paradox. There are people torn within themselves. All that is left is to keep the faith. If she will insist what she has planned, she might lose a good friendship. Her troublesome, always running away.
A friend said she has a big heart. Perhaps it is true. Her patience and kindness inspite of the flowery words spoken pierceth yet she stands firm to show love. Her skeptic attitude saves her. Cerebrum over hypothalamus.
She is so troublesome. Will she be able to have her mind back? Heart is not a problem to her. It is delicate she does not want to trouble it. But she actually does. Mind is ever protective. Even though taken into captivity, mind tries to keep the responsibility for heart. I wonder how long will it take. I wonder what will happen when she is free to give and take. If only I can be there for her, if only I can give what she deserves. If only.
-Justice leaves Finland
*sigh*
music:
Barbie's Cradle - Goodnyt
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11 October 2007
Loving Caffeine
Before this month came, I used to drink coffee only every four years. It just happened to occur that way. I was not fond of coffee though I like its aroma. But it's different now. I already drink coffee every morning. O_O
I was thinking for a reason why I am already drinking coffee, and I came to a conclusion that I am looking for something that I will be addicted to. LOL! I think I am anxious and looking for something that people usually do to release some stress. Cigarette smoking. I know I can smoke albeit being allergic to its smoke, but it's too risky. I'm not hasting my death. And I can't literally afford to do drugs. What's left is coffee, the only legal addictive thing in the world. Haha!
Coffee may be legal but I was already advised by the doctor who did PE on me to avoid caffeine. Should I write further what she found out which caused her to give such health advice? Hmmm.. I think I want to take it as a doctor-patient privilege. XD
I'm not sure if I'll still be drinking coffee tomorrow. By the way, I've been drinking green tea even after the advice was given. I know it also contains caffeine, but it seems that caffeine is such a bewitching thing. XD
music:
Bonnie Bailey - Ever After
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08 October 2007
unnecessary load
17th June 2007. Sunday. On this day, I told my self that I will get rid of the unnecessary load. I tried so hard but I didn’t pursue. I thought it will not have a stronghold in me. But I was bloody wrong.
08th July 2007. Sunday. It was so strong. The only memory is about Hikki’s Simple and Clean. I failed. But it was kept hidden.
07th October 2007. Sunday. I wanted so bad to have it ended. I hoped I’d wake up the next morning with nothing left of the unnecessary load.
08th October 2007. Monday. But I was wrong, again. Also, I failed. It’s still here. The roots of the trees are all over me. But I am making a decision to stop it. I don’t want to go further.
It’s funny. The thing that I am trying to leave behind because of this tree is also the very thing that hits me while writing about this entry.
I asked some friends what should be done to forget a traumatic experience. The first person who gave a reply was B2. What she said (in highlight) hit me big time.
Pray, surrender thoughts to God. Dwell on happy things.
Be with friends. Eat ice cream!!
Bloody. I am making a plan and a move without consulting the Lord. I even doubt being able to have mentioned this to God. My nociceptors were too stimulated I forgot the first thing I should’ve done.
Oh well, I’ve already told God about it. But I have to tell Him more about what’s inside. I should pray first. Yeah. I should've done that first.
music:
Jars of Clay - Love Song for a Saviour
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07 October 2007
Case Presentation
Last week made every one in our group so toxic. We've been busy preparing our case presentation. We're supposed to present last Friday, but it was postponed. We'll have the presentation tomorrow. I live by faith and not by sight! ^__^
music:
Hillsong - Mighty to Save
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25 September 2007
Irony
I have learned that there are times in a person's life that when there is no human capable of relieving the intense anguish that comes upon men at desperate times, there is only God...
-Grace Hernandez (Friendster shout out)
Bloody true.
People, given the nature they have, long for a companion who will be there with them when the rain is too strong to cover the sky and let the sun show even a thin line of ray. Sometimes someone comes along and seems to offer an umbrella to shelter. Because man is tired and weak, he wants to yield and seek comfort. But some people have too much fidelity that they cannot or could hardly allow someone else to do so. The reason? They want someone else to be there. Too bad for them, it does not always happen.
Most of the time, the people we long for comfort are the ones who are either out of reach or simply people who have nothing to do with us. It is none of their business if we suffer, stumble, and fall. Those who are out of reach may do care, but they are too busy to empathize or even sympathize.
Because of such situation, some people give in to those who just happened to pass by and see them in their troubled state. Most of the time, these people who just passed by happen to be people who really do care.
Comfort may have been given, but it is like a plastic or disposable bandage a.k.a. band-aid. The relief does not have a long term effect because what those who have suffered really want is not the treatment offered. What they want is someone in particular who, even if does nothing, will be there for them.
This reminds me of a SMS (quote) forwarded to me. It goes like this. “…You were just not there when I was falling.”
music:
Switchfoot (live in Manila) - Dare You to Move
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24 September 2007
Fi! Mew.. :3
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ARCKHAM!
Today is my friend's birthday so I thought I'd make this journal entry for him.
So, what did this friend of mine do or have to deserve an exclusive entry in my blog? *thinks* I guess he's just a spoiled to me. lol.
He has done a lot, which I am thankful for. Those were not just for me but for others as well. Lots of stuff. I admire this person's generosity. And thoughtfulness if you wish to add. He's also a concern friend, by the way. I hope he'd be able to read this. =p
My friend is also a talented person; he's a promising musician and artist. I hope he'd be able to make more artworks because his works have a distinct quality I am yet to find. It's cool.
He may have a temper that needs to be controlled, but he's a person whose company you will surely enjoy. He can relate to people easily, which always reminds me of how nurses should be. He may pass in the therapeutic communication skills of nurses but I wonder if he'll be able to stand patients who are just pain in the head. XD
He is also a friend who have been a great help to me when I was losing hold of focus. There are more appropriate words yet worse so I am not using them. The thing is he helped me pick myself up. I thank God for that.
We know this year rocked us all. It hasn't ended yet so it's still rocking us. So much surprises that are yet to come. I know God has still so much in store so my friend, keep the faith! The Lord will always be there for you.
Wou! I never thought this would take this long. But it's okay. It's his day. =p
Last words... There shall be none. Okasaan has still more to say. XD
music:
T4T - Takemehome
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20 September 2007
The future is a present yet to come.
Many things have been made known to me. But there are more to know. Not now, tough. But the things I've seen are good enough to be reckoned.
I have so much to do with my life, especially what's inside of me. And I have so much to get rid of. I am just like other human beings, but I there are things that make me different.
The future is a present yet to come. So no matter what comes, I have to be prepared. I have seen a glimpse of tomorrow and I now realize that no matter what comes, whether I like it or not, I must be good enough.
I said I am preparing myself (about something particular). I must keep my word. When I get there, I shall not be the damaged person I used to be. I owe that to God and to this person.
music:
The Corrs - Don't Say You Love Me
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17 September 2007
Life, Friend, Self
Life is weird. So am I.
I miss a friend of mine whom I used to tell things without hesitancy. I feel I could tell anything, anytime. But things have changed. I don't know when it all started or how it happened, but I can see a difference in our relationship now. I miss this friend of mine.
People stay together for a reason. There may be no verbal agreement, but they know they have to stay together and share things with each other. With this friend of mine, I wonder where my boundaries are now set. There is a fault in me and there is a fault in my friend. I am not sure though whose contribution is bigger. I think I should take the blame.
This is not what I was supposed to write in this blog, but it's what my fingers were punching. A lot of things are bothering me and they are not limited in real-time situations. Even my dreams are bothering me. They are also weird. And becoming more each day.
I have decided that I will dismiss some things about me through DABDA. So no matter how great it is, I shall stay in Ds. I even doubt if I can call out to my friend. But that's how things are.
Being in a situation, which is the worst for a nurse really sucks. But life's like that. I already know what to do next time.
mood: sleepy
music: Kozo Nakamura - CaptivAte
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16 September 2007
Reminders to be reckoned
So much reminders have been bombarded to me during the past week. And I know there is none I could do but do what must be done. We don't have all the time in this world. I don't have every moment of my life. When I step out of college my time, resources, and life will be required of me by my profession-to-be. And I know I must redeem time (for the days are evil).
As day passes by, the things that trouble my life have become more clear to me. And I must face them, properly. Recognition is not enough. I must get rid of them. I must strengthen, by the power of the Holy Spirit, the armour of God. And I pray to God for help; that I may be able to obey and submit completely. I must not allow the flesh to take control.
I am no longer a baby. I must rise above myself and be a victorious person. I am more than a conqueror.
music:
Switchfoot - On Fire
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12 September 2007
Ambiguity
Neko and the website I visited last night were right. Keeping oneself busy helps forget some things. Being busy really helps. I even found myself quite open. But being so makes me reckon some things.
I have decided before that I will kill this unnecessary load. It's not completely gone. But I am close. But then, this reminds me of what the Lord told me. I am really stubborn. And I am close to disobedience. My heart is getting disobedient. But I am only trying to protect it. Maybe I am doing it wrong.
It was the same desire I have before, to kill without the assistance of hate. I just want it gone. And I w
