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Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Runaway

Whenever "runaway" is mentioned, there is always one thing that comes into my mind. I can always associate it with myself. I was on runaway months ago, and it seems like I'm going to do it again. I think I should release or open all the gates of my chakra.
 
Before was hypothalamus over cerebrum. But now it's cerebrum over hypothalamus. I'm getting lost. I know I made an unspoken promise. I wonder if I will be able to make it even if I "runaway" from here.
 
 
PARADOX
~AFA

The paradox of myself
The longing yet escape
The desire yet the denial
Love and hate in harmony

It is a lie though
But it is also the truth
So which is true?
What conclusion do I have?

So much waiting
So much longing
More denial
More escape

Running away yet never moving
Moving forward while looking back
To hold on yet to let go
To smile yet grieve

I hope but I fear
I have faith but I doubt
Love has become blurry
Uncertainties cloud the heart

Until when can the chamber take?
Until when can it give without pain?
Until when will it live?
Will metamorphosis take place?

Hiding in plain sight
Showing with all silence
Speaking without voice
Watching from afar

What can make mind believe?
What can capture the soul?
What can make heart yield?
What can hold the body?

The desire and longing
The waiting and patience
The giving and generosity
The love and affection

The yin and yang of life
The joy and pain of soul
The life and death of spirit
The strength and weakness of body

Life is a journey
Soul is always on a voyage
Some things have to be simple
Let go of all the complex thoughts
 
 
 
 
LSS:
Utada Hikaru - Simple and Clean
 

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Thursday, 20 March 2008

Beer

I am wondering if my recent confusions or concerns will lead me to another lost heart and mind. It happened to me last year and I just got out of it. Things are just not that so okay, but I'll make them fine. I have to.
 
My latest chatmate was a churchmate whom I haven't talked to since I have known him. And our chat was the first conversation we ever had. Funny eh? It was fun. The conversation was fun as well as the thought that I was able to make and keep a conversation. It was also funny how he thought of some things. ^_~ Nothing malicious here. It was just funny that he thought of that.
 
Speaking of that, I am now longing to find Ren. *role plays Nana* I'm not sure if I am ready or what. All I know is that I need so much patience, as of now. I have to endure some things.
 
I now feel like drinking. I usually drink alone but I think I found someone whom I can ask to join me if I want some drink. There's already someone, a friend, in my list but I guess I can add a new name to the list. =D
 
 
 
 
Now playing:
Joe Satriani - Always With Me Always With You
 

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Tuesday, 18 March 2008

Ren

I am not sure what to write here, should it be about school or other stuff?
 
We had a meeting earlier in school. It was actually a meeting with the parents, but some parents were not able to come including mine so most of the students attended it. The meeting was about the up-coming review, board exam, graduation and such.
 
I don't want to talk about school now. -_-
 
I am currently listening to Anna Tsuchiya's Kuroi Namida. Oh my Gackt! The nostalgia!! I miss 707. I miss my NANA fandom, teh soundtracks, my Nana-like hair, my Nana-ish attitude and even my own Ren. This Ren idea is about patience. I thought my patience was good enough. It was. Some things were just not in favour of me. In a sense they were. Can't cry over spillied milk, right?
 
Speaking of Ren, I want my own Ren. He doesn't have to be a bassist, but if he is it'd be nice and cool. Two years of waiting. Two years of longing. So much patience.. long distance.. but nothing has changed. The passion remained and it was even more fervent.
 
  

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Wednesday, 12 March 2008

Alone but Never Alone in a Winter Sleep

I don't know when this all started. What started? As being so me, I am not telling of course. And that is defying the need for verbalization.
 
Oh well, it's been like this for ages. I hope some things change, for the good. But change has to be internal. I feel like singing Alone (Shimokawa Mikuni), Never Alone (Barlow Girl) and Winter Sleep (OLIVIA). These songs radiate what I feel right now.
 
The title of this entry is funny. *lol*
 
 
kono te wo koboreochiru
suna no you na kanjou
ano toki mune ni sasatta
kotoba ga fui ni uzuku kedo

hatenai yoru wo kazoe nagara
jibun no kakera sagashite-ita
ushinau hodo ni kono omoi ga
tashika ni natte'ku
ima nara   kitto aruite yukeru
doko made mo
 
 
One must fight for his freedom.
-L. Miranda
 

It keeps coming back to me
I remember this pain
It spreads across my eyes
Everything is dull

. . .

Will you hold me now...? Hold me now, My frozen heart
I'm gazing from the distance and
I feel everything pass through me
I can't be alone right now
Will you hold me now...? Hold me now, My frozen heart
I'm lost in a deep winter sleep
I can't seem to find my way out alone
Can you wake me?

. . .


I'm tired of being strong.
-Lucilla, The Gladiator
 
 
I pray to find you, hope to be found by you,
and rest in eternal embosom.
-L. Miranda
 
 

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Monday, 10 March 2008

3 Years

014dc0ebe8e052e2c5460599101c080b.jpgTomorrow will mark the 3rd anniversary of this blog. For years, this blog has been so dear to me. It is where I post my inner crypted thoughts and random stuff. This blog has been like a best friend. I tell her many things. I tell her my joy and my pain. I tell her anything.
 
Read between the lines. I know I have posted here my deep emotions, but I try, as much as possible, to keep them lighter. There is no need to feel the dakness of my soul. I hope no one will take me wrong for that. It sounds so dark and dark. Haha!
 
PARASUI. This blog has been inspired by its name. I omitted the other letters though. Everyone has secrets. It's fun though. I hope I'd be able to keep this blog as long as I can, and as long as the server allows me to.
 
 
 
now playing:
ANNA inspi' NANA [BLACKSTONES] - Rose
ANNA inspi' NANA [BLACKSTONES] - Kuroi Namida
Iwao Junko - Scarlet 

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Saturday, 08 March 2008

Creative Writing

I got this questions from my favourite WHR fanfic author, Misora.
 
SEVEN QUESTIONS: fill in the blanks, be creative. ♥

1. What do you think of ________________?

2. When did you last ____________?

3. __________ or ___________ and why?

4. What did you ______________?

5. What's your favourite ______________?

6. How would you ______________?

7. Who would you most like to _____________?
 
 
I'm gonna answer that through the comment section. Dang, there are so much to do, by will or must. Tsk, tsk.. Chinese proverbs are bombarding my brain yet teh body remains as stubborn as the owner.
 
I was thinking of writing what I have in my mind. I was checking some stuff in the net, fanfiction stuff and the like. Then I remembered Manga. Oh, I so want to read manga. I only have two manga, Hands Off and Princess Ai. Both are volume 1. Manga costs a lot and I can't afford to shell out just for one volume. I was able to buy both manga on discount, 75% off. Cool, ne.
 
Stories, graphic novels, fanfiction and anything of the like interest me. Just so fascinating.
 
 
 
now playing:
Don Moen - Lead Me Through the Night
 

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Thursday, 06 March 2008

Post-Happiness

I think I have to use this blog today as how I intended it to be used for. But it's been a long time since I consistently used this for such purpose.
 
My previous entry longed for a hope. It was written with the desire to stay happy. But life is not all about happiness. No matter how happy someone gets, sadness will come. It may not stay for long nor get through too much but it will be there. Despite the optimism I project, there's still the feeling of missing something. I believe I know what I want; I just couldn't dare to get it for myself. To do so is to be selfish. Besides, I am still protecting-.
 
I had a chat with my SERG brothers yesterday. They shared some of their privy lives and I felt like being left behind. Not so left behind, and it's not a feeling of being abandoned. I just felt like I really miss something.
 
Life becomes better when we know how to endure. I've endured enough and I'll just have to keep in doing so. I have to walk in faith and love. Because love casts out fears.
 
I am not building high walls right now. My walls remain as high as they were. But I hope nothing will dare get through it and try to hurt me. I don't want to get hurt nor hurt other people. A part of me is all or nothing now. I'd rather have nothing than get hurt. I have endured enough and I am recovering.
 
 
 
 
 
LSS:
Emmy Rossum - Slow Me Down
 

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Tuesday, 04 March 2008

Stay Happy

I want to be happy. And I want to stay happy. I like it when someone makes me smile and/or laugh. I like it when someone makes me feel good. Even so, I hate it when someone takes away my smile, my happiness.

In spite of life's trouble, I try to be happy. We must try to be happy. We owe that to ourselves.

 

 

Now playing:
Shimokawa Mikuni - Alone

 

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