« 2007-06 | HomePage | 2007-08 »

30 July 2007

PTSD

Childish fears for a grown up
Insensible it may sound but real
The pain remains
And the horror creeps.
 
A saviour is sought
A warrior is needed
And there is only one found
The one who loves for real.
 
Death he faced and defeated
Life he gave for those who believe
Salvation to those who have faith
And a promise of love for eternity.
 
~JenShinrai 
 
 
 
 
 
Jars of Clay - Love Song for a Savior

17:39 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

28 July 2007

Reckon

The Lord reminded me last night, with regards to my previous post, that I should not worry about it. God reminded me that I was supposed to leave such things to Him. Also, I should make no any decision now. I guess I really worry too much. But I have to trust God. What He does is for my good.

 
Music:
Mika Nakashima - Last Waltz 

05:45 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

27 July 2007

Double Distance

My brain has been telling me that I am ready to let go. I'm just not sure to what extent. I know it's going to hurt, but I can handle that. Before I totally let go, I have to be sure that it's all pure and that I am really willing to do so.
 
This reminds me of a previous experience. Maybe I have that fear, a fear that when I leave, there's no returning. I know I am capable of doing it. But I don't know if this still applies now. Maybe I still want to stay..
 
If I will let my pride win too soon, I can do it ASAP. But I might leave unnecessary scar/s. And of course, I have to keep distance.
 
Sayonara is soon coming
To see no more might be something
But this memory will be kept like a blessing
And my life shall be filled with gratitude and singing
 
 
 
Music:
Hillsong - Everyday

20:40 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

Anxiety

Anxiety indeed leads to hyperventilation. As for me, it happened more than thrice... At least I know what triggered.. But I don't like it when it happens to. It feels and looks awkward.
 
 
 
LSS:
Revolution

01:40 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

21 July 2007

Sporadic

There's no need for me to post the same topic, especially if the subject has some gravity on it. I'm talking about the other blog I have.. Never mind.
 
I have not been successful about what I planned to do. 17 June 2007 reminds me of what I wanted to do. I thought I'd be successful, even if it will take time. But Gackt. The gravity was really strong to pull me down. Crap. Wait! Why am I writing it here? Oh, the desire to read something funny.
 
But as days pass by, I wonder if I should keep it. I want to try some things. I know what's in the package. And if I am so sure...
 
I need to sleep now. 

01:37 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

19 July 2007

Everybody lies.

DABDA
 
Everyone in the health care profession knows what these letters mean. I have two situations to present, for the sake of updating my blog, with respect to my current affairs. Lol.
 
 
Case #1:
D - I've been through this throughout the situation. Even from the very start I had the awareness that it is coming.
A - Because the other A was close to realization. I couldn't accept it. Back to the first D.
B - Almost, because close to the second A. Still in D.
D - The first D is back plus first A. It was driving me nuts. I think those that happened were the signs/symptoms for this.
A - Close. Okay. Yeah, close. See? First D is everywhere! XD
 
 
Case #2:
This is new.
D - I can disprove what I have by what I say and do. Just don't check my vitals or place me under close monitoring.
ABDA - I'm still in first D.
 
 
 
 
Music:
Jars of Clay - Love Song for a Savior 

10:30 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

16 July 2007

Kuso

Nakakabaliw.. Nakakaloka..
 
 
I could hardly take this. I need to unload unnecessary loads soon. *kill mode* Gackt, this might hurt.
 
 
 
Don't know what I'm writing about? Never mind. I just need to write about.. forget it. 

20:10 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

15 July 2007

Save me

Father in heaven, let me sing this to You.
 
I need your love. I'm a broken rose.
Kareochiru kanashimi my soul
Kuzureteku kodoku na little girl
I need your love. I'm a broken rose.
 
 translation:
I need your love. I'm a broken rose.
The dying, falling sadness of my soul
I'm a collapsing, lonely little girl
I need your love. I'm a broken rose. 
 
Lord, I need Your help! Save me. Save my heart. Doozo.
 
 
 
And this too..
 
So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
 - Mighty to Save
 
 
 
Music:
Hillsong - Mighty to Save

00:00 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

12 July 2007

Truth Hurts

78120d199cb9264c7ea446baa4182d2b.jpg For the nth time, an old feeling is coming back into surface. And it was just confirmed by a recent dream. This is no good. It's like I'm going back to my old self, again. There are lots of new things in my life now. As long as I can, I want to stay that way. I want to try some new things..
 
But I wonder how long will it stay this way. How long will I able to hang on and let things as they are? It's so bloody. It's like I want to hold on to something yet I want to let go of it/something and never desire to have it again.
 
My healing had already began and I am beginning to see results. Positive ones. But every human has his own fears. I still have to go through lots of whatever-life-may-bring so I will be able to stand on my own the right way. I am always alone, just depending on myself. But I've learned to live that I can't just live alone. Not yet. And I hate it.
 
I don't know why I am writing this thing here. I was supposed to write about something else. But I think my supposed topic's enigma made me write about something else. Truth hurts. People could hardly handle the truth that's why everybody lies. As for me... I know I am in DABDA's first D.
 
 
 
LSS:
I Can Only Imagine

01:52 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

10 July 2007

Mission Failed

787
 
It was then when I found out that I failed doing something. It has nothing to do with the event. It's something else. I just realized it during the event of NANA Day.
 
Because I was stubborn; because I stopped; because I just left it alive..
 
I now have to endure it. No matter what comes even if something will show itself to drive me nuts, which already began, I will face it. I will take bloody responsibility for my negligence. I am not even sure if I will do everything in my power to end this unnecessary load. *sigh* I have to talk to God about this again. I must.
 
Gackt, I am no longer sure. It's like fight or flight situation. Tsk...
 
"Humans are cowards in the face of happiness." - Young Momoko
 
 
 
 
LSS:
ANNA TSUCHIYA inspi' NANA - Rose 

01:10 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

03 July 2007

Stay ... Runaway

c29d49322b9682be3010b987c663f535.jpgI am supposed to be working on my assignments. Yes, with the -s. But I am not. Bloody procrastination. Okay, if my groupmates could only read this, they are going to kill me. *runs away*
 
Emoness seems to be a trend nowadays. And it bothers me. It's a negative energy, which also happens to be contagious. So, am I being affected? I can be an emo on my own without society's influence. But what it brings out of me is anger. It upsets me for reasons I am not sure of. I think I don't even know the cause of such anger.
 
I want to be alone. I just want to be on my own. But everytime I reckon such thought, it usually happens that new people come in my life. And they become really important it makes me stay attached to people. And in the end, I have this feeling of staying longer for their sake. I dont know what place I am occupying in their lives, but somehow I am concerned.
 
This may sound so emo, but I do wonder how people value me. I don't place much value of myself. I don't deserve it. What I want to know is if I am needed. Do people want me to stay with them, to stay longer... I am always reminded of my policy; I can only give as much as I am allowed to.
 
There are some people who have told me they'll be there for me. And I am thinking of them right now, two of them. Actually they're the only people I remember telling me that. I appreciate it. I really do. But being me, so me, I won't ask someone to be there for me. I won't borrow someone's shoulders so I can cry on them. I won't do those things. But there's more than what I am saying and showing.
 
I think it was a week ago when I came home with teary eyes. A friend asked me to call him and in the end I became the one who's in need. I shed tears. But I didn't want to. I was just unable to contain them. I wasn't able to stop pouring out. And the next day, my eyes were swelling and in pain. Naisu.
 
Whenever I have teary eyes, when what I have inside is too much for me to bear.. only God knows what I go through. And every time that happens, I am always hit with the fact that I can only run to God. I can only trust God. There are few people whom I can trust, but they are far away. And I love them enough to bother them about my troubles. So until now, I still wish to have Justice leaves Finland... 
 
Phew! That was long. Haha! I decided to make this entry long enough so no one will bother to read. If someone did, I appreciate that. But please, don't take it as if I am being emo. I am only writing what I have in mind.
 
 
 
Music:
Tina McBride - I Love You 

11:25 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

02 July 2007

Ira

I'm under one-of-my-four-deadly-sins attack!
 
But I am reminded with what Rachel sent me this morning. I thank God for that message. I'm just taking the thought. Besides, I can't afford to let it consume me, for the nth time of my life.
 
But for the nth time, I want to.. reveal dumb people away.
 
 
-silence- 

13:14 Posted in Blog | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this